zero tolerance

A friend and I were talking about zero tolerance in serious relationships. Zero tolerance for deception, anything that comes close to gaslighting, lack of respect, deal breaking, manipulation, all of that sort of stuff.

She’s married; I’m single. We’ve both had our share of marital crap. We’ve both been divorced.

I said “How about a three strikes rule” and immediately caught myself. This is the sort of letting someone repeatedly re-draw my personal line in the sand that landed me where I am today.

“Wait, no make that two strikes. One for a mistake. One a second chance.”

“I dunno,” she said, “that I’m not inclined to give the second chance; the first is really the second chance.”

She was right.

I’ve thought about it a bit.

I believe in second chances for people. In principle, I believe in numerous chances. Even so, I’m not going to allow for any more bullshit in my close relationships.

I’ve got to a point in my life where I’m using up precious time when I try to deal with people who believe manipulation, deceit, disrespect, and dishonorable or unethical behavior are normal. Oh and misrepresentation. And gaslighting. Expecting me to bury my feelings.  Did I say lies?

I spend a lot of time talking about new normals in ecological and social terms.

My new normal for any serious relationship is zero tolerance for the above-mentioned behaviors. There’s nothing to lose.


About rainshadowfarm

West Virginia hillbilly girl grown up. Grew up in northern Ohio. Farmer from birth. Working class academic. Practical agroecologist. Community educator. Single parent of eight. I also teach anthropology at a community college. I like this work and think it's worth doing and doing well. California community college students are some of the most incredible students I have ever known.
This entry was posted in disability, gray divorce, Life changes, resilience, spiritual ecologies and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to zero tolerance

  1. swo8 says:

    Those relationships can be problematic. Zero tolerance is the way to go. You are either in or you are out.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    Sounds reasonably harsh. 🙂

  3. praw27 says:

    As we get “Older” and Wiser, we become better with our BS radar…and less willing to put up with it. Life becomes too short for that….

  4. rainshadowfarm says:

    Yeah, I talk tougher than I act. But I’ve definitely decided to draw some deeper lines in the sand. 🙂

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