Letting things change.
Can I sit in the midst of this stuff and let it move around me and through me?
Fighting it feels horrible.
I don’t mean fighting it as in “I’m finishing my degree; I’m writing a book; I’m looking for new kinds of work; I’m going to learn and practice beekeeping…” That’s constructive change and movement. That’s actually a kind of resilience. Those things are movements toward resilience that I’ve made or am making now, after one big storm has passed.
I’m talking about not fighting but accepting what is at this very moment. Every moment.
I’m talking about breathing in each moment and letting it go. I’m talking about moving into peace and letting the scary stuff be there and letting it pass. I can’t stop the changes. I can’t make people come back. I can’t have things I used to have. I can’t control what you think about me. I can’t make you give me a job I think I need.
I can take a breath and sit with the moment. It’s scary and it also moves me a little bit down the river where I can rest in some peace. They say, if you let go of a little, you can have a little peace. If you let go of a lot, you can have a lot of peace.
The trick is to let go of some while moving sensibly into the next moment.
A friend of mine says if we don’t chose carefully, we could end up living under a bridge. Is she joking? Sometimes. Is she partially right, given that our politics and economics are working for fewer and fewer people in the USA right now? She exaggerates. But I know what she means. She only says this when she is faced by a really raw deal. A raw deal from her ex. A raw deal from one of the schools she adjuncts for. Any particularly raw deal. I understand what she’s saying. She’s saying, it gets so scary as older single women when things change and change again.
Yet change happens. The wheel turns.
Hopelessness in the face of the past and its legacies are things I need to overcome. I sometimes allow myself to become despondent over remnants of the past. My economic situation is real. I have to deal with it. I am dealing with it. I am not being passive when I deal with it. I’m trying to be wise without losing my sense of fun.
And the best kind of dealing happens in the present moment.